On the wings of a butterfly, I'll fly away from here

                                                   "Always on the outside of the circle lookin' in.."


This is painfully overdue, plus the fact that I already started this post once and just left it to die. I'll look at it in a bit to see if I actually wrote anything worth copy-pasting here.
And yes, this post does have a double title. One's a promise, the other's a statement. 

  I don't believe most superstitions, or truly believe them, but there are  some that I make-believe like I believe. Like the one that says if you tell someone a dream, it won't come true. But that just might be because it feels better to talk about nightmares than to bottle them up. And most of the time I don't tell people my good dreams, "just in case". I have a point, bare with me. In some Japanese mythology, it states that if you get a tattoo, it's what you'll be reincarnated as. I actually read a manga where these two guys each got a wing of a butterfly tattooed on their hands, so when they held hands, it created a full butterfly. It was surprisingly enough, called something like, "wings of a butterfly" or something similar. The most ironic part was I actually dislike this manga. It's too dark and depressing and too close to reality for me. I also have a manga called Little Butterfly that has nothing to do with butterflies but I enjoy so much more... I bought the Omnibus for it, even. ANYHOO, despite Butterflies having such short life spans, if I believed in reincarnation, that's what I'd want to come back as. I'd be free, and even for a short time, be beautiful to whoever looked at me. I'd terrify my best friend, but that's beside the point. For my birthday, I asked for real butterfly wing earrings off Etsy, and they're gorgeous. I was able to get some from my favourite butterflies, a Blue Morpho. And it's from a breeder who uses wings from butterflies who die of 'natural causes'. That was kind of important to me. Anyway, I have to stick with butterfly wing earrings before I can get a real butterfly tattoo.

I think I'm also gonna change my Zantarni siggy to that image. Maybe fancy-fy it in photobucket XD

Anway, to the actual post.

So like a week before my birthday, the end of September, we had an eyelash presentation at my school and they were giving away vouchers to go to the class, she got through all the ones she was gonna do, and asked our class if we should do one more, of course we all said yes. Honestly, I wanted to go, but I knew we couldn't afford the other part of the  price, so I was going back and forth in my head between wanted to go and knowing I couldn't afford it, plus the old fact that I've never actually won anything in my life. Not on luck anyway. And wouldn't you know it, she pulled my name out of her hat. I won't lie. I freaked out a little bit. 
I talked to my parents about wanting to go but knowing we didn't really have the money. Well, my dad said I could go and the other part of the payment would be my 'big' birthday gift. So I was happy. It's over $200 so I feel bad that my parents are paying for it. I even had a argument with my mom over it.. But we'll see.
Other than that, I got a pair of my favourite brand of underwear, and no, I'm not telling you what brand, because you'd laugh at me. I will tell you they're Halloween themed though. I also got a pair of 'ear wings'. They're really cheap foam with a bat wing pasted on the front and wire to go around your ear. I also got the butterfly earrings that are in the above picture. And my sister got me this mini-troll thing. We bought it together and it was supposed to have black and pink hair, but it didn't. We guessed  wrong and it ended up being purple. 
With the birthday money I got, I bought myself a haircut(yes, I had to pay for it Xp) hair dye and bleach. My hair is dyed black and blue right now, and no, I don't look like a bruise, which is a sentiment one of my mom's friends expressed. Okay, it was black and blue, I redyed it with the same blue and it turned like.. emerald green. I actually saw a girl with almost the exact same style, cut and colour the other day. I was like, "bitch, you jacked my hair!" of course I didn't say it out loud, just kind of laughed at the irony of it. 
And then we went to the McCall's. We didn't go as late in the year as we usually go, so the atmosphere was different. We stayed too long in the damn pumpkin patch though so by the time we got to the Maize maze, the big one was closed and we had like 20 minutes until we had to leave. We also got there kind of late. I did get an amazing cup of coffee and a large chunk of fudge from there, and it was amazing. It was Mint chocolate fudge. Mmmm. I also got my mom to go down the mega slide with me. So much fun :3 
Then we had to leave and we got dinner at a Subway out there in Moriarty. The sandwich maker boy was cute too. He was giving us a hard time. I asked for spinach on my sammich, but "not too much" and he put like three leave on.. so I asked for more and he playfully gave me a hard time for it.
I also got a little steampunk pumpkin-headed alchemist resin figure from McCall's. I had to add him because I have him sitting on the DVDs on my desk and he's staring at me above the laptop screen ;P With his cheshire cat grin.

Anyhoo, so my Asian friend in school has moved on to the second level, and I now have a group of three female friends, and I calls us the four musketeers. I was supposed to phase out of Phase 1 to 2 but I stayed behind because i don't have the clothes we're required to wear. Plus I'm terrified of actually working on somebody.. I was supposed to phase out like two or three weeks ago but.. didn't. 

Oh yeah, the girl who was supposed to be one of my best friends, yeah, she went bitch ass crazy and we're not friends anymore. Can't say I wasn't expecting it, but it still pisses me off a bit. It hurt, but I'm just moving on in life. But then a week or two ago I sat crying because I realized that I felt so alone again. Which I now believe is the stem of nearly every 'mental' problem I have.
I've also realized the real reason behind my love of books and manga. It's the only real escape from reality I get, where I truly feel in another world. I realized it right after that night happened, I started rereading the Vampire Lestat almost constantly. 
Which kind of brings me to the second title of this post.  My sister was telling me and my mom how Sunday all the girls in her sunday school class formed a circle and she wasn't in the circle, and how alone she felt. Well, I made the mistake of going to the store with my mom, brother and sister. I always feel so outside the circle my mom forms with my brother and sister, and that I'm just too weird for all of them. I got excited that Walmart had so many Superhero shirts, and they had a Spiderman Venom shirt and I got all excited. And my mom kind of brushed me off. And for lack of a better word, it crushed me. If my brother or sister find something that pertains to their likes, my mom reacts like she's happy that they're happy. And my mom basically went, "and?" when I was happy.
I KNOW I'm making it into a 'victim' situation. I honestly think my mom doesn't care for me as much as my brother and sister. And it really hurts. Especially when I've basically been brought up to think my opinion or feelings don't mean anything, and everytime I bring this up, my mom brushes me off and rolls her eyes. And it only reaffirms my belief that I don't matter, my abandonment issues and the truth of my lonelyness. Especially since I moved into my own room. I feel so alone. And I don't feel like I can talk to anybody about it, because it's all my problem. I just need to not play the victim. And not feel this way. Which kind of makes my self-loathing even more pronounced. Because it's all my fault. 

Other  than all that nice stuff, our van is getting ready to truly die(it's been spitting coolant out) but it's holding together for the time being, my dad basically said that if it dies, the only answer is either riding the bus or catching a ride from my Aunt, and that he basically refuses to take me to school. We also are getting to the point where our dishwasher needs to be replaced. And I need clothes for school. See why I kept saying we can't afford the fuckin eyelash class?

So yeah, that's really the only things that happened. We're going through proper hair washing with the 'bowls' again, we did nails and makeup(oh, and facials) in the last two weeks. I once again went too in the box for my makeup, but I'm sorry, I don't do drag makeup. That's what they want.. That outside the box.
I also signed up for a advanced class for airbrush makeup. That's already covered, pay wise. The only reason the lash class is not is because it's not actually affiliated with the school. 

I really need to go though, I apparently have to wash my hair in the sink because someone thinks the sewer water is backing up into the pipes for the bathtub. Which I pray doesn't mean the drinking water is contaminated... So if I die, yeah, you know why. Hopefully it'd be when I'm wearing my butterfly wings so I can be reincarnated happily ;p

I had a funny story for my ending thought, but I don't remember it so you don't get one today, you get double title, that should be enough...
Other than Pour Me by Hollywood Undead is how I feel right now... Again. 
Oh yeah, during my birthday my ex's uncle asked me to come down and I got to visit with him a little. If he contacted his uncle, his uncle didn't tell me. Which might be a blessing in disguise for me. I honestly don't think I'm ever going to see him again. 

I think my harlequin smile is finally fading, the paint running from a Cheshire grin into a sobbing mask. The tears running down my eyes marr the white skin of the mask I'm forced to wear as a face. As my maniacal laughter turns to sobs.
I honestly think "he plays the fool to hide a warrior's pain" truly fits me. But maybe I'm being too dramatic. I don't mean to be. I feel like I fake the part of fully functioning adult sometimes.
I dunno. I gotta go